Tread Lightly

Sometimes only chocolate will do. Like when you see on facebook that an acquaintance has just had a baby and she has named her with your longstanding favourite baby name. The name that made you hope you were having a girl.

And it makes you smile at first because it affirms your good taste (the acquaintance is cool) and because you're so happy she's had a beautiful, healthy, baby girl. 

And then it makes you totally bummed (but in an embarrassed kinda way) coz - Dammit, YOU wanted that name. 

And then it smacks you in the guts. Real hard. And it really, really hurts and you're completely shocked by the force of it and left reeling by the heartache you thought you'd gotten over.

And so only chocolate will do. You cry on the phone to your mum in the dark of your porch. And you remind yourself to tread lightly, that you still have to tiptoe around some things. 

Like not listening to Bon Iver for the foreseeable future. 

Pretending that secret pinterest board you made doesn't exist. 

Getting your husband to deal with the birth preparation books from the library that are weeks overdue.

That kind of stuff. 

Tread lightly. Tread lightly.

Secrets

It's been hard to write here for a little while. With happy secrets and then crushing sadness and hopefully in the not to distant future, fresh beginnings. Early miscarriage is so common and so not talked about. I dont want to talk about it - and yet - I was frustrated that I couldn't find anyone else who had. I guess that's why we don't traditionally share the news until we're at least twelve weeks. I was eleven.
I was planning on switching to more and more pictures rather than words here but in all honesty I haven't picked up the big camera in weeks - and that was only to take pictures which now no longer have a reason to exist.
I feel a little too exposed here these days. Google my name and this place is the second thing to come up - and the nice thing about a blog, I always found, was a little sense of mystery and anonymity. Especially when you are watched, and what feels like judged, for your job.
Maybe I'll keep posting recipes and maybe I'll keep posting about the garden (its doing great by the way) and maybe, maybe I'll keep posting about country life. But for now being present is keeping me occupied, that, and the garden.

{Image from here, if this is your image I would love to credit you properly}

When I grow up...

Triggered by this lovely ladies exciting news I found myself wandering in to the trendy flower shop in town. It was a complete whim. I asked if they ran flower classes/courses and they said no - but taking pity on me the lady struck up conversation and said I could come in and watch. It might seem strange but that was one of the most forward things I've done in a while, and it was kinda a thrill. I've been trying to think more about may be doing what I really want to do and what that might be. As well as keeping in mind my goal to be a life focused person not a work focused person. I guess when people say they're doing their dream job and it doesn't feel like work, I don't really believe them. Even playing with flowers or gardening every day would definitely feel like work some days. I think. Right? And I know from my 6 weeks of unemployment over summer that not working isn't the answer to that too - and I know that being self employed isn't the answer to either of those things either (thats a work never stops senario).

So what do I really really truly want to do... ?

I remember my Dad saying to me when I was a young teen that he reckoned you needed to live many lives in order to be happy - maybe he was quoting someone else, I'm not sure. But it's always stuck with me.

So far I've been: a student, a pet shop girl, a receptionist, a checkout chick, a dish pig, a barrista, waitress, bar tender, lighting crew, lighting designer, head electrician, lighting operator, blogger, assistant stage manager, stage manager and production manager (sometimes many at once), lecturer, tutor and supervisor (all in a theatre context)...

So far I've wanted to be: A radio news reader, a photographer, a cleaner (when I was very little and enamored with my grandparents cleaner - I think it was the sense of calm and control), an actor, stage manager, lighting designer, a blogger, a cafe owner, a gardener, a florist, an interior designer, a baker, a mother...

I'm lucky I've done a few of those. But dreams change don't they?... I really liked Tim Minchens speech (did you see it?) about whole heartedly chasing short term goals - that seems sensible to my mind. I'm not a very patient person - I'm a doer and I like things to happen!

So what to do? I dont want to do one of those online floristry courses that teach me how to make hideous bouquets and force me to stick to rules - and the lovely flower shop lady said that formal training would be of no benefit to me in the context of their store anyway. I am ridiculously lucky to be getting some experience next year - I am designing and making the flower arrangements for two dear friends weddings. Since helping with the flowers at this beautiful wedding too, I thought may be it's one of things that I might have an aptitude at - So I'm practicing on my own flowers... and thinking about what step might be next... Horticulture?

Are you chasing your dreams? Do you know what you're doing with your life? Do you think living many lives is a good way to go? Anyone want to employ me to do flowers for them?

Part 1.

Today it is winter solstice. Half way through the year. Half way through winter.
What a strange year it has been so far.
We had such big dreams. I had been decorating, designing, day dreaming constantly about our new life in the country for a whole year before we moved there. Seriously I have a notebook full of drawings, sketches and lists.
And so in January we moved - we packed up our city life into one truck and drove 5 hours South West. Away from the sea and the big blue sky touched by skyscrapers and towards the rolling hills, the brown river and ancient red gums. The cutest cottage in the village. Our very own baby blue.
We ate pizza the first night we were there. Surrounded by our boxes, a hamper of goodies from my parents, we slept on our mattress on the floor and woke at  six am the next day to glorious golden light streaming in through OUR house. Our home. It felt like home straight away. We bought a ute that day and walked up and down our street that evening with a glass of wine in hand enjoying the stunning sunset.
We spent two weeks unpacking, rearranging, gardening, insulating the roof. We settled on in - it still felt like a holiday and a day dream really. There were first's after firsts. This is the first time of many we will cycle home from my parents place after a few glasses of wine and dinner. This is the first time we have had someone around for a meal. This is the first time we will walk our dog along here...
And then one Friday, 5 weeks in, it got rainy and we decided to get out 4 movies from the library, buy cheese and wine and snuggle in for a whole weekend of us, in our first home together, alone.

Part 2 continues here....

I lived in the city.

In the middle of the city.

There's this hill.

It's quiet.

It has the most perfect view.

There's a bench.

And you bring your own beer in a brown paper bag.

And you can watch the sun set to magnificent colours to your left.

And the city lights twinkle straight ahead.

There's people walking their dogs.

And I could just walk there.

Climb the hill.

And sit.

And feel an enourmous sense of not only belonging... but ownership.

Today we leave. I wonder if that sense of ownership will too?

Dear 8 years in Surry Hills,

I will miss you:
* Dasher the Wonderdog
* St Minas fruit and Veg
* Yullis (lets try somewhere different for a drink... naaahhhh)
* Coffee coffee coffee
* The Hipsters
* The laneways to explore
* Bumping into people on the street
* Feeling like I live in the centre of the World
* The bike lanes
* Cat Alley
* Bakers Bun Yes (screw you Bourke St Bakery!)

I won't miss you:
* The crazy loud neighbours
* People pouring out of The Clock at midnight every night
* The expensiveness
* The Hipsters
* The buses
* Renting
* Never feeling cool enough
* People Puking/pissing/defecating (no I'm not even joking or nuthin') on our back steps...

I can't actually believe its our last day being Sydney-siders. Wow. Just. holy fricken wow. Tim and I have been counting down for a while now, and the eyes... the look of "....wow" really lets us know that we're both feeling the same way.

Wow.

New Year, New house, New town.

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Things are being squished into boxes.

Lists are being made.

And everytime I go somewhere I get a pang of... "oh, I'm gonna miss this."

We're packing up our amazing Sydney life and moving to our little blue house in the country! In oh errrr two weeks... by the way. We're so excited to see what our house looks like again - we've only seen the inside once on the inspection - are we crazy? ermmm maybe. Hopefully in the ensuing year there will be before and after photos aplenty. And hopefully this tree change will be just the change we need!

{Have I been pinning inspiration much? You know it! A whole house of my own to decorate!}

Wrap.

Wow. It's a wrap. It's done. I'm unpacked. The washing is in. The marking is complete.. er almost. I've been anxious about the month that's been for a while now. Been looking anxiously towards it. And now it's done. I had a moment in the middle of it all, where I sat back, looked at the work in front of me and at what I had already done and went. "Wow. Here I am. And it's okay. Enjoy this moment." And man is that something I need to do a little more, always looking forward never just being in the present. Does anyone else do this too?

ps. There's a little questionnaire going on my f'book page... please head over and lemme know whatcha think?!

Dear Blog,

Happy 2nd birthday to you! Look how far we have come! It's been a blessing and a joy and yes I'll admit sometimes a struggle filling these pages, but I love how you've documented my life, I love the friends I feel I've made and I love all the pretty things you hold.

Some highlights of the year:
Hitting the 100 mark!
The one where we bought a house.
That rant about being a vego.
My new bicycle.
The most popular post on my blog ever!

Yours Thankfully,
Sophie

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 So my new routine is getting on a plane on a Monday evening. Sleeping under the worlds warmest doona, which is good because I'm lacking a husbands body warmth (thanks mum). Teaching myself to exhaustion on Tuesday and catching the overnight train back to Sydney. Overnight trains. Oh man. With a pillow (folded coat), ear plugs (I actually invested in these) and eye mask (scarf wrapped around the head) it's almost bearable and I get about 3 hours sleep. The New Life is good I think. I'm liking seeing my parents more. I'm loving the country air. And I think I like teaching. I can keep control of my class, I even enjoy marking. I was standing writing at a white board and it didnt feel weird. I didn't feel like a fraud. It felt good. Now I'm off to catch the train.

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How it went...

Today at work in my lunch break I walked past kangaroos. 
Today at work when my second year students left, they said "That was great, thanks". 
You couldn't wipe the dirty great big smile off my face. Enhanced by "I told you so" by husbando and then amazing food cooked by my dad. No pictures I'm afraid chaps! But... phew, huh?! Now I just need this to turn into a permanent job and I can really start dreaming about our house and garden and the next stage of our life, instead of dreaming about it... but as a maybe.
It's scary how much work I have to do though, as well as writing my next lot of lectures for the uni, I'm also doing lighting console training, plus casual lighting operating around Sydney... the blog blog may stay neglected for a little while longer yet.

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It starts...

Tomorrow. I have a staff card. I'm an academic people. An academic. And I just got into theatre coz I wanted to climb ladders and do a boys job. (not entirely true but partially). I've been shopping for appropriate work clothes. I now own a blazer. A very nice comfy grey t-shirt material blazer but still... it has a collar. I'm excited about what this could turn into, the air down here is so wonderful, but not keeping my hopes up either. The alternative if this doesn't work out if just fine too.

oh hai...

Okay so I hate that spelling of 'hi' but it does seem to articulate the sheepishness with which I want to convey that hello. I'm sorry my lovelies I seem to have gotten a wee bit caught up in turning a year older, quitting my job and preparing to begin another, working somewhere without internet this week, and oh yes - putting on a play!

If you're a Sydneysider please do come see our show Aleksander and the Robot Maid at the Seymour centre.... it's for kids 8 and up and stars my stunning husbando and twinkely lights by me! Actually, if you're not a Sydneysider then you should still come... I just don't expect it as much *beam*

So my office has moved in with my boy's (in our bedroom). I have a camping table, the corners of which cut into my thighs. Our bookshelves have become my pin board and basically my crap is everywhere. But I'm pretty stoked. The last few nights I've been in bed at around 10pm. Normally I still have another hour to go at work at that time. I've been booking little bits of work here and there and already I have been reacquainting myself with my friends. Long lost and neglected friends. Relationships that need the dust blown off, and a warm cup of coffee placed in their hands and a smile shared across a table in real life. Real Life. I've made dinner, and dessert. TWICE.

How are you all?

Ps. All the American and English blogs I read are killing me with their summer activities!

{Photos of my "new" office space, please forgive the 'Keep Calm' poster... but it's about baking and I couldn't help myself. And the Sophie/Pear picture is by a dear friend}

Twenty Six.

Twenty six. It's gonna be better than twenty five, that's for sure. It hasn't been a  bad year, but it sure ain't been an easy one.  There is so much change and uncertainty ahead I've realised I have no choice but to embrace it head on. You know what, I never thought I'd say this but I'm finally starting to feel like a grown up... okay, just some of the time...
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Where have I been?

Olive picking, visiting Finn the foal and Polly the lab, eating amazing pumpkin salad and homemade bread, making bonfires, bush walking up The Rock and taking too many pictures of sunsets and beautiful wind turbines.

I've missed blogging, and it's getting to the point of me feeling so guilt ridden about not writing (I hate to leave you hanging my beloved fans and friends *wink*) that I don't know what to write. I have a lot of big scary changes happening right now... plus work has changed for me recently meaning I havn't had as much time to write.

You see... I started this blog because I worked a job that involved me spending a lot of time pressing a button in the dark, by myself. A blog was the perfect solution. But because of my boss having so much time off from an injury and me switching to doing his job and mine... and we've not had a long season of a show in our venue really recently... it's been tricky. I've also had a fair few evenings free recently... and because that is such a  novelty for husbando and I... well, it felt ridiculous to spend that precious together time on a computer. I'm not making excuses... I just feel like I aught to share... I guess people often tell me they feel like they've caught up with me through this blog. And I find that so surprising because I feel like I share so little here.

My dears. I've resigned from my job. And I have part time work at the university in the town we have bought our house in and hope to move to eventually. It all changes in June... It's really scary, and really exciting. I guess I'll debrief about it more later.

Music Snobbery.

What other people liked used to really influence my taste. It used to be that in my group, as soon as a song got popular we disdained the unfortunate successful band - or enjoyed them... but ironically... I love that now I'm older I kinda don't care so much. I think it must partially be that being a *working person*, not an *in school* person or *uni student* person, there's just less of a group influence. Sure I have friends, but I dont see them every day. Heck currently I don't see anyone once a month (save my husband and housemates). So I kinda just have to decide for myself what I like. It means being a music snob is a lot harder. And really, that's a good thing. Coz music snobbery... it's boring.
Dear readers, I consider myself an individual. An interesting individual no less, and I give my self some indie cred. I like music. I like good music. I like different music. But at the end of the day if its catchy - it's catchy for a reason. So whilst when people ask me what music I like I say: Radiohead, The Shins, The National, TV on the Radio, Mogwai, Trail of Dead, Foals, Pinback, Patrick Watson, The stranglers, Broken Social Scene... that doesn't mean I don't think Phil Collins is a damn fine musician. He is. I also have a small and embarrassing penchant for Linkin Park (Don't judge me!!!) - those angsty songs are so catchy!
Bono and Queen and Abba can kiss my behind though. But JT and Beyonce... they are prettttty talented. May be it's hip now anyway? Who knows? Is listening to Black Eyed Peas deeply ironic? I'm not a hipster. And I don't care. Hooray!


PS. Radiohead have a new album out though! Get it here.

Tada!

My dears,
I have to confess I've been sitting on some exciting news. It's been killing me keeping it in but we had to make certain before I blurted it out to the internet. This news does not involve vomiting, pooing, crying or anything else baby related. Though it is baby blue in colour... Blog  readers here's our first home, first home meet my blog, I think you two are going to hear a lot about each other in time to come:

It's cute huh?!!
Baby blue, weatherboard, 1920's, wooden floorboards, high ceilings, fireplaces, 1000m2 garden, rustic sheds and in the country. Le blissful blissful sigh.
It's been a rocky road getting it. It has the misfortune of being on a tiny bit of a flood plain. You may have noticed floods have had a bit of bad press right now... That and buying a house is a complicated business. Seriously, they need to teach you this stuff in high school. Or give you some papers on it or something. Yes, some clear, not in jargon papers handed over in high school with a "keep this somewhere safe until you want to buy a house then read this and it will explain what all the crazy things you have to do and what all the big words that people start saying mean."
Aye me! Right. That feels so much better to have gotten off my chest. How did you find house buying (If you have indeed ever bought a house)?
I should add that as stressful as the whole business has been - we've been helped by some amazing people along the way. I believe we have met the most decent real estate agent in the world and both are families have been wonderfully supportive.
Anyway, enough about getting the darn lovely thing, here, have some average real estate shots of the interior and garden and swoon with me! (Ignore the beige and the curtains, look at the floorboards and the coloured glass in the front door!)

ps. I should clarify that we are not moving to the country this instant, we will be renting it out for a little while first. But I'm already dreaming up names for a dog when we move there!